I've worked in retail for the last eight years; it was not my ideal career, but I started working shortly after being diagnosed with chronic migraine. My first set of store managers were extremely understanding when it came to leaving early or calling in sick; as a result, I developed a false sense of security and refused to seek out other career opportunities, fearing nobody else would be as tolerant of my sometimes frequent absences. I learned to love my job, even working to move up the corporate ladder a bit. But the higher you climb, the less tolerance you'll find.
Fast-forward to present day, where my current set of managers are no longer as understanding. It is a business, after all, and I understand they have to keep the store's interest in mind. But as someone who has always felt valued by previous managers – to the point where I probably could have exceeded the number of absences allowed before termination and still been okay because they value the work I put in when I am there – the migraines have now been accompanied by stress and depression. I hate letting people down. I worry that I'll lose my job – despite the fact that the company really doesn't fire people unless absolutely necessary. I worry I'll never be able to use any of these people as job references, because the absences will outweigh any of my positive qualities as an employee.
Sometimes, the worries are legitimate. And sometimes, the stress brought about by trying to explain my condition to managers and coworkers is completely unnecessary.
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Last Friday, my boyfriend and I went out to dinner with a coworker and her husband. We stayed out for about four hours, and during the course of that time, I enjoyed a glass of Scotch on the rocks (I generally stay away from alcohol, as I find beer and wine are instant triggers; but a glass of Scotch a few nights a week has never caused me any trouble). I hadn't slept much the night before, as the air conditioner gave out during a really hot evening, so I had spent the night tossing and turning, ending up with maybe four or five hours of sleep. (My body typically needs at least seven hours to function normally.)
Halfway through our meal, I started to feel the migraine coming on. It started on the right side, in my temple and at the base of my skull. We were having such a great time, I didn't want to be the party pooper who needed to leave early. But a few hours later when we left, I was sick to my stomach and doubling over in pain. We got home and I immediately laid down on the couch, only to realise I was in too much pain to even relax, let alone fall asleep. Unfortunately, having had alcohol with dinner, I knew better than to pop a triptan or a painkiller. I headed up to bed and waited in misery until my body fell asleep on its own.
When I awoke the next morning around 7 o'clock, the pain was just as intense. I popped a sumatriptan and tried to fall back asleep. Two hours later, I awoke to find that the pain hadn't budged at all. I was scheduled to work at noon, but knew I wasn't going to make it, so I grabbed my phone and called my boss.
"Are you sure you can't come in later? You know where you stand on absences..."
It was almost threatening. Suddenly I started to panic about losing my job. All of my sick time and allotted absences had reset in July, so technically I was safe; but something in the way she spoke made me very nervous. I offered to call her back in a few hours after I'd gotten some more sleep.
"Call me at 11:30 and let me know if you're coming in or not."
Not wanting the added guilt of calling out, I got dressed and decided to make the effort to go into work. Worst case, I could leave early. But at least I was making the attempt.
I made it about four hours before I started feeling shaky, sick to my stomach, and unable to do any of the tasks that were required of me. I was having issues concentrating, recalling certain words or information, and the pain in my right eye was so intense I couldn't see. I tried another sumatriptan, but it hadn't started working and was just making my stomach turn. My boss had already left, so I went to an assistant manager and asked if I could leave early because I was not okay.
"Why didn't you ask her?! I can't let you sneak out after she's gone."
So now I'm a sneak. Ouch. I tried to explain to her the phone call earlier that morning, how my boss already knew I wasn't well, and that I wasn't trying to sneak out. She gave me a panicked look of "I don't know what to tell you" and went back to finish what she was working on.
I was so upset I started shaking even harder. I could feel the tears coming, but I held them back. A few minutes later, the assistant manager called me.
"Here's the deal. Between you and me, if you open up two [credit cards], you can go home. That way if [boss] asks why you left early, I can at least tell her you got two credit cards."
By now I was fuming even more.
"Next time, I'm just going to call out," I told her. "I'm not going to make the attempt to come in if this is what happens." I was both proud of myself for standing up, but also a little shocked at how defiant I had become.
"I have some Midol if you want it. Just make sure you drink lots of water. Eat something, too."
I tried to explain that part of the issue was that I had taken enough medicine to start upsetting my stomach, and was not okay to be at work. She wouldn't budge, so I punched out for my lunch, sat down in the break room, hyperventilated a bit, and then proceeded to the bathroom, where I threw up.
And there was my chance to leave. When I explained that to the assistant manager, she finally agreed to let me go home. It was like I had to prove that I was truly sick in order to be excused.
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The rest of the weekend wasn't much better. I slept, I lazed around, I popped so many pills I honestly don't remember exactly how many I took. For a split second, the thought crossed my mind that if I took too many pills – if I died – maybe they would finally take me seriously. Horrible way to think, but migraines can do that to you.
I ended up calling out yesterday. My boss' response: "Okay. Thanks." *click*
When I called today, she reminded me that these were taking a toll on my job. She then suggested I find a new doctor, as clearly mine had no idea what was wrong with me or knew how to "fix" my migraines. I can tell from that statement alone that she has never had a migraine before, and that she has no idea what I'm going through. I wanted to tell her how great this neurologist is; how he's the best one I've had in my decade of dealing with these migraines. But there's no convincing some people.
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It's been 90 hours since the onset of my migraine. From what I have recorded in the Migraine Buddy app on my phone, I've taken at least 3 sumatriptan tablets and 4.5 hydrocodone. The possible triggers I listed for the initial attack were lack of sleep, stress, heat, and alcohol. Probably a combination of all three. After I called out this morning, I went back to sleep for a few hours, as I had only gotten four hours of sleep last night. I can feel the migraine slowly starting to dissipate. It's still present, but I can almost feel the pain slowly being exorcised from my temple. Once it's gone, I'll have to deal with the "migraine hangover", which I hope doesn't extend too far into tomorrow. Sometimes I don't know what's worse, the initial migraine or the hangover stage. But at least it looks like this migraine is ending.
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